Om tre uger, Brooklyn Nine-Nine will take their season five promotional pictures – all the pictures you see online or on the billboards of the cast that roll our eyes on our coworker / cute management of our show Jake Peralta, standing in front of cop cars or pointing fingers. They are all taken on a large photo shoot, so the network has a bunch of publicity images to be rolled out next season.
How do I get ready for these shots: I want to stress. Jeg vil se i spejlet og plukke fra min krop, mit ansigt. I would zoom in on areas I hated, like my ass or my belly. And then I would start the obsessive mad limitation and compulsion exercises.
Du ser, jeg har en spiseforstyrrelse. Mænd som mange af os er min lidt svær at definere. I do not clean, so I’m not bulimic. I eat, so I’m not anorexic. I am what I like to call “an unordered eater.”
RELATED VIDEO: 11 Subtile tegn på spiseforstyrrelser
Forstyrret spisning er en umaplyetiket, fordi spiseforstyrrelser kan være svære at kategorisere helvete, de kan være vanskelige at genkende. Måske tror du, at du kun er i stand til at arbejde for dig, fordi det passer inden for dit budget, eller det holder dig i en vis størrelse – det gjorde jeg.
I used to eat the food to try and keep me small. I used my job as an actor under constant control as an excuse, a reason to hurt myself with food. I often used to self-medication, if you want, with a cycle of bingeing and limitation. I used my size size and fladhed in my stomach as the answer to everything that was wrong with my life and why I could not seem to feel really, really happy.
Fødevarer var både bøden og straffen. I thought by checking what I ate, I controlled my destiny when it eventually checked me.
RELATERET: Lily Collins Battles Anoreksi i Chilling Til benet anhænger
Disordered eater, jeg kender dig. The only way you feel you can hold on to your life is to make sure you have three diet coke within four, a chocolate chip cake and a small salad. You only eat certain foods that you have considered as “healthy” and the list of what’s okay shrinks every time you read a new book or article on the subject. Du spiser uanset hvad du vil, og derefter bruger timer i gymnastiksalen som en måde at modvirke det på. Du spiser tre måltider og snacks, men vil hellere dø end lægge noget i din mund, der ikke er økologisk. Maybe you had vegetable juice and a vegan burrito so now you deserve a big pizza and chicken bite. Mænd, f —, det betyder, at du har skruet op i morgen, det er kun juice hele dagen lang.
Lyder noget af det godt? Det gør for mig. It sounds like the voice tells me again and again in my head. Stemmen, der lyder, LIGER MIG, mænd DAMN, hun er meningsfuld som helvede. She tells me, I do not belong, that I’m not thin enough that everyone can see how bloated I look for the last meal. She is loud, as it may be when I stand in front of mirrors or sleep at the snack table in the workplace. She screams at me when I watch television or watch social media and shout that I better see my step and lose something or else everyone will figure out that I’m a kind of monster.
Og selvom jeg taber vægten, er hun ikke tilfreds.
It’s the matter of disordered dining – the voice will never ever be satiated. Du ser, hun sulter. Hun råber fordi hun er sulten. Men it’s not really mad, because she’s hungry for.
I have begun to find out that this voice, so focused on weight and body image, is actually desperate to express her creativity, her fear, her wishes and her dreams. Mænd hun har simpelthen ikke sproget. Det er blevet det største job i mit liv at lære hende at begynde at drømme og tænke sig større end hendes kropsstørrelse. I encourage her to worry and feel to dive into the deepest parts of herself.
Og hun gør det bedre. She began to read again, began to see other women not like sizes compared to her own men as beautiful, complex beings. She began to talk to friends about her disordered thoughts, and they help her see that she is also a complex and beautiful creature.
RELATERET: Stephanie Beatriz ønsker at spille de stærke, stærke kvindelige tegn, vi har brug for lige nu
Det er ikke nemt. Every day you are feeling bad, even when you do better. Men det er værd at forsøge at blive bedre. Even on the hardest days, when you walk in old patterns, it’s worth it.
This time I am ready for advertising by eating nourishing, delicious food like vegetable juice og pizza. I get my røv to yoga and barre classes because they make me feel strong and bad. I’m drinking water because it’s good for my skin and it makes me feel well around. Most importantly, I tell myself that I am perfect and lovely, just as I am, even though I begin to cry as I say so.
I will continue to move towards my most authentic self by reminding myself every day that I am worthy.
Vil du have ind på dette? Tag lidt tid og tal med din egen lille stemme. What do you think she tries to say when she talks about food or your body? Hvad er under hendes kontrol og frygt? I bet that it is your best self just waiting to come out. Bringe hende til spørge hende hvad der sker. Det kan nok være svært at høre hendes rigtige tanker under alle nonsens, men jeg elsker dig, it’s easier to let her and your disturbed dining run your life.
Begin to learn her and yourself that you are worth because you are a MARVEL, my dear. You just do not know.