Da jeg var barn, jeg kunne ikke vente med at tage verden med storm, for being a woman-beautiful, strong, confident, sexy, thoughtful and profound. All the things I knew were inside … even though I was only 4. Look at a picture of me from that age and I swear that you can see it all. I just needed my body to catch up.
Ved 12 var min krop blevet ændret, men jeg stedet for at blomstre ind i Cindy Mancini fra Kan ikke købe mig kærlighed, Jeg lignede mere Chunk fra The Goonies. My inner world may have been filled with a poetic and vital feminine vitality, but the outside world saw and told me otherwise. (Mostly, I said that I was “fed” and “too sensitive” and most socially appreciated as it facilitates my friend’s relationship with boys I had broken.)
The only thing people kind of were right was my sensitivity. If you get hurt, do you put on a bandage, right? Now, my whole life is evil, so I put on a personality bandage, consisting of jokes, self-prints and faux self-confidence. Mænd lige under min Elaine Stritch ydre var længslen på “de smukke piger” – those who did not have to work so hard to get through the day who did not have to get a joke to be recognized.
VIDEO: Vinteren kommer ikke: Summer Style Tips fra Game of Thrones stjerne Sophie Turner
Jeg ved ikke hvad jeg ville have gjort uden at handle. I fell officially for about 6 years in a class game, reimagined Den grimme ælling. My joy in accomplishment was so unlimited, you would have thought I had just won Tony. From then on, the scene became my safe place, where all self-awareness and effort and making me less was replaced by a freedom mind. Jeg kunne være mig selv og ingen ville gøre det sjovt af mig.
RELATEREDE: Hvordan Seth Meyers endelig fundet sin Forankring på Late Night TV
Jeg har aldrig ment at få folk til at grine professionelt. Mine første skærmbilleder var seriøse anliggender som Sopranerne og Mystic River og indie film om børnemisbrug. Ved 21, tog min karriere en komisk tur, when I was thrown in a new Broadway game called Brooklyn Boy, af Donald Margulies, som var lige dele sjove og triste. I realized that the more serious I expressed the feelings of my characters, the more fun the scene became.
Speed up for a couple of years till when I had a huge opportunity to play a perfect rod that had a practical Shakespeare love affair with its chewing gum in Nick og Noras uendelige playliste. And that was it. Jeg var officielt, professionelt mærket “sjovt”.
I spent the majority of the next six years playing for grin on the screen and off. Sometimes it was magical, and sometimes I just tried to live up to the label. I would try to convince people about my more calm trends, but just used to be nudged back to the “fun” hallway and told to be seated. Jeg følte mig som Fanny Brice i Sjov pige råbe: “Vent! Du har det hele forkert! Jeg er en bagel på en tallerken fuld af løgruller!”
And so sometime a few years ago something happened: My sense of humor left the building. There was not a reason to fall out. Det var en kombinationsskive af drejning 30, startbehandling, og på et tv-show annulleret efter tre episoder. Mænd jeg stoppede med at registrere sjovt. I could not see it on the page; Jeg kunne ikke gøre det i en audition. It was like all the parts of myself, I had neglected, been staged by a coup and would not let me get sense of humor before I was aware.
RELATEREDE: Freida Pinto på den livsforandrende magi af at sige “nej”
I was also a pretty barrel laughing in my personal life. I left L.A., traveled alone around Europe and spent a lot of time watching Werner Herzog documentaries. I really tried to get all my friends to fetch Denial of Death (som ærligt, skal du læse). Some times on your way to take yourself seriously, you take yourself a little also helt seriøst.
Efter ca. one year I began to lighten, became softer and more natural than before, and felt closer to the 4 year old than I had this year. And then I got an email from Jonathan Levine for a new pilot, he led to Showtime on stand-up comedy scene in L.A. in the early 70’s kallet Jeg dør op her. There was a time-long drama about the pain that produces comedy.
Han ville have mig til at se på Cassies rolle, den ensomme kvindelige tegneserie forsøger at finde hendes stemme, slippe hende til plads til noget mere virkelig. I cried when I read the manuscript, partly because I realized what my biggest fear had been all the time: I would never fit anywhere if I was completely myself.
Mænd hendes var Cassie og jeg – til kvinder, til butik til små mærker. It was never about “beautiful” or “funny”, it was just about being me all free to move over the hallways. I do not know where my roaming will take me next, but now that I’m not so worried about where I have to go, the possibilities are endless.
Jeg dør op her Premiere 4 juni på Showtime.
For flere historier som denne, afhent juni udgave af Med stil, Available on newsstands and digital download 12 May.