Hvad ikke gav jeg ferien, ifølge komiker Iliza Shlesinger

Iliza Shlesinger er en komiker og forfatter. Hendes nye bog, Girl Logic: Genius og Absurdity, er ude nu. Hendes deler hun synd anti-ferie gaveguide fra sexetøj til sexlegetøj.

Åh, helligdage. A time to put a Snapchat filter on your grandmother and Instagrammer old pictures of your parents when they saw (and were) stenet. The men’s season has become much more self-conscious for our generation, one thing that has never changed, our expectation that without telling anyone what we want, will anyone give us the perfect gift.

Somebody who has spent a lifetime, grinds his way through “thoughtful” but still awful gifts (oh, sweetie, this sweatshirt with my own face on it og frynser? Thaaank grave…) troede jeg, at jeg kunne give noget visdoms visdom om emnet for, hvad der ikke var til gav. Ikke på jeg ikke elskede Despacito CD fra min kusine, det er bare … where should I play it? Anyway, jeg er hende for at hjælpe dig med at spise gaver, for it’s after all the thought that counts, especially when you tænke din gav er forfærdelig.

BATH KITS

Anti Gift Guide - Bathtub - Embed
Daly og Newton / Getty Images

Mens mange piger elsker bade, love most non compilation of products in these all inclusive SLS-laden chemical curves. Ingen ønsker en kurv af ALLE ROSE-SCENTED lotion, kropsvask, badesalt, skrubbe og kropssprøjt. What gets me is how they pack it to look like the entire product line has come from a century old royal English soap company with a faux anglo name like “Toadsburry and Swine.” It came from CVS, it came shrink in, and it has been on their shelf for years. Do not put things on your body.

NOGEN EMBOSSED REFERENCE DIN AFHOLD TIL KAFFE

Anti Gift Guide - Coffee - Embed
Ryouchin / Getty Images

“Tal ikke med mig, før jeg har haft min kaffe.” “Ingen kaffe, ingen snak-y.” We get it – you’re a monster who can not afford to be decent until you have had an incentive in the morning. Men you are part of a community and community, and you really should do your best not to attack your loved ones and colleagues because you have not had your liquid substances. Be not so proud of your addiction. Det er ikke sødt. Show some restraint and try not to promote your inability to be a person in the morning.

RELATERED: Amy Schumer demanded Netflix pay her the same as her male comedian counterparts

Et træ plantet i dit navn

Anti Gift Guide - Tree - Embed
Bjørn Disch / Getty Images

Ring til mig en skeptiker, men jeg tror ikke, at de faktisk planter dem. The certificate is also printed on paper, which might be one’s tree at one point?

En VAGUE DONATION GJORT JEG NAVN

How dare anyone go round to give money with your name on it, provided they know which charities you want to support without checking. Når du løber for præsident, vil oppositionen blive dybt dybt, og i 2017 blev dit navn brugt til at donere $ 15 til DMDF (selvfølgelig Delfiner Must Die Foundation), og det vil dræbe dig i primaries.

RELATEREDE: Du vil have alt Tracee Ellis Rosss gav plukker til helligdage

Et STAR REGISTRER

Anti Gift Guide - Stargazing - Embed
Foto taget af Kami (Kuo, Jia-We / Getty Images

Mennesker har ikke domæne over rummet. Dette fodrer bare ind i mandlige ego. Du betaler for en ide, ikke et sommerhus. If anything, I prefer a remote planet. Fordi if you’re going to evacuate the land, you do not like, go til din stjerne, selv i teorien. Også holdt og lykke nogensinde ser det op. “Din stjerne er placeret i Control Alt Slet Urasawa Crab Rangoon Nebula Lambda RA20h11m42.76s D66deg48m5.66s. ” Indtast det bare på Waze, du finder det.

NOGEN KANDLE DU DIDNT SPØR SPECIFIKT FOR

Naturligvis en regift.

Bukser

Vær ikke en underlig.

Vin kan du finde i GROCERY Store for under $ 15

Anti Gift Guide - Wine - Embed
evdokiageorgieva / Getty Images

I know, you have it for me in the merchant on my way over. If you present this as your holiday “gift”, just bring me the shrink bathing suit instead.

RELATED: 5 Nye bøger værd at læse denne måned

ROGE ALL DAY / CHARDONNAY OG SLAY / FEMINIST MED EN TO-DO LIST

Det er på briller, håndtasker, kopper, skjorter … Chardonnay og dræbe? So drink wine and kill someone? Føler sig ikke stabil. It is cold to show your opinions, but do not think wearing a “feminist” on a glitter tote makes you wary. Selvfølgelig vil jeg elske at se flere mænd, der bærer duffels, der siger, “STRONG TO BE AFTER HIS FAMILIE AND LYSENDE When his woman talks.” But, of course, I prefer to just vote and be openly about my opinions on holiday.

EN ORCHID

Anti Gift Guide - Orchid - Embed
Kristina Strasunske / Getty Images

An orchid is, in my opinion, a curse. De er ufattelige, dog elastiske. And I contrast to many gifted flowers, just because the flower is dead, it does not mean that the orchid is dead. Jeg er stedet for at smide det ud og få nye blomster, venter på en krukke med grønne blade og en stamme, og du kan ikke smide det ud, fordi det er stadig levende! It’s an uninhabited burden, and every time you choose it to throw it away, you hear a British accent from Monty Python, “I’m not dead”.

VIDEO: Ralph Lauren Lader Shoppere Design deres egne trøjer. Og det gjorde vi.

EN SEX TOY

Tilbage, Matt Lauer, du er min kok.