Kære DR. JENN,
My ex and I broke up a couple of years ago, but despite a series of flings, I’m still not over him. Er det vanvittigt at forsøge at komme sammen igen? -Backslider
First thing is first: There was a reason you broke up – remember it. Det er nemt at få relation til amnesi efter en række mislykkede romantiske entanglements. Nogle gange kan fejlagtige datoer eller tilslutninger lade os sortere gennem vores historie og idealisere gamle, velkendte partnere. Feeling af modløse eller værre, desperately leaves us in a bad position when it comes to decision making.
Having said that, sometimes an old flame did not work for a reason back then, but would thrive now. To find out what scenario your is, ask yourself a number of questions. You may even need help from an honest, objective friend to explore the answers:
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-Hvorfor brød du op?
-Idealiserer du din tidligere partner og / eller forholdet?
-What’s changed, makes you think things will be different this time?
-What has your previous partner been doing to become a better partner since the break?
-Hvis tillid blev brudt i begge ender, kan du genopbygge det?
-Are you both willing to do the work needed to repair what did not work before? How do you want to do it work??
-Who broke up with whom?
I would particularly like to emphasize the third question in the list: What has changed? Det er en, der ofte ignorerer. Har du afstemt? What work have you done for yourself to help you improve your relationship skills? Hvilket arbejde har de? It has been said, “wherever you go, there are you.” It is similar to relationships. The core problems that once existed will likely continue to exist when you get past the honeymoon phase. Unless you’ve done a lot of work on you and really grown, developed new skills and learned new tools, you’ll probably find yourself back in the same place where you were when you broke up.
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This journey, especially if it was a brigade, begins with reconciliation. Sometimes when a relationship dissolves, it is due to a slow erosion that arises in connection and interaction between the two parties. Andre gange – oftere – there is an outstanding event. One person advocates someone else who says words are so painful that there is no return, addiction affects your common life, a partner fails to turn out to support the other person the list goes on. Whether you were at the giving or receiving end of the behavior that eventually ended the relationship, to move on, you must change.
When it comes to changing, I always recommend to see what I call the four R’s in my book Forholdet Fix. Uden disse fire vigtige trin kan et forhold ikke helbrede:
1. Remorse. A heartfelt excuse comes from the realization of the damage you caused. At sige “Jeg er ked af det” er ikke nok. Det er bare ord. A meningsfuld undskyldning verbaliserer forståelsen af den smerte du har forårsaget og viser beklagelse for de trufne handlinger.
2. Ansvar. At the responsibility is to show ownership of your actions as well as their influence, although the cause of pain was inadvertent. When you take responsibility, let the other person know that you understand the gravity of the situation you have caused and recognize what you have done wrong.
3. Anerkendelse. It is important to give a forum to talk through what happened and treat everyone’s feelings. Når folk ved, at deres smerte er blevet hørt, hjælper de dem med at helbrede.
4. Afhjælpning. The person who changes himself must repair the damage caused and take measures to avoid repeating the bad behavior. På en handlingsplan, der behandler de problemer, der har fået personen til at opføre sig dårligt, er god start. Sometimes it may mean that you turn social media, change jobs, go to therapy or rehabilitate.
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The fourth step – to put an action plan in place – is probably the most vital, if there is any chance of remedying the relationship, but too often couples run it over or assume that it is a one-off conversation. I can not tell you how many calls I’ve received on my radio program from people whose spouse has repeatedly done something terrible and the caller has chosen to take them back. I see this most often in women. I ask, “What did he do to make you believe it would be different this time? What action plan should he address this bad behavior?” The answer is always the same: Nothing. “Han sagde, at han var ked af det, og han ville ikke gøre det igen.” Uden en handlingsplan ændrer intet. At someone somebody who has repeatedly hurt you but is not required to do anything different, is to log on more of the same vulnerable behavior. At undskylde uden at gennemføre en plan er at sætte dig selv op for at genopbygge og skade din partner.
Afstemning og håndtering er ikke altid muligheder. There are some indicators that should be absolute deal breakers. Any misbrug – whether it is physical, emotional or sexual – is completely unacceptable in a relationship. If your partner has hit you once, there is always the possibility that they will do it again and you will never be free to be honest with them or trust that they do not hurt again. If someone has an addiction or mental illness, but is unwilling to get treatment, it’s a deal broker. If anyone is moral and ethically not in accordance with you, it will not change. You can change behavior, but you can not change character. If anyone is a forced attacker, it will probably remain the case, even if it is different than a person who turned up once. If anyone is a lover, you will never be able to count on them, and trust is the foundation of any successful relationship. If your previous partner was guilty of any of the above, I recommend moving on.
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Men og hun er den store men-nogle gange slutter et forhold på grund af dårlig timing. Normally, partners are not on the same side about big lifestyle decisions or phases, whether it’s about marrying, marriages, children, career, traits or engagement. Med tiden kan en partner prioritere dog indhente hinanden. If everything else in the relationship worked, but a big discrepancy in goals drove you apart, it’s perfectly reasonable that when these goals change, it also makes your compatibility. Kald det “backsliding”, men i et sådant tilfælde synes at komme tilbage sammen med en eks, mere end fornuftigt.
If you have read all this, you still think that getting together is right, so go for it. Mænd starter langsomt. Reach out your previous significant other and see if he or she is willing to meet up to a conversation. Tilbring lidt tid sammen. Se om du tilslutter som du plejede. You can find that you are actually completely over them. Or you can find out that your story has just begun.
Jeg Hump Day, hvor prisbelønnede psykoterapeut og tv-vært svarer Dr. Jenn Mann til dine sexiest spørgsmål – uberettiget og ufiltreret. Email os anonymt på [email protected].